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Rocky

"This is how it is when it all gets wild, you can hit me hard, hit me hard as you like, if only you could see it through my own two eyes, you could see the view from the other side" - Hudson Taylor


Theres a lot of things I wont talk about on this blog, however since writing and opening up on a little website from the corner of my room, I think its important to talk through things. I'm not going to filter out anything, and I'm going to be completely honest about thoughts and feelings i've experienced over the past couple of years.

A couple of years ago I started to feel very low. I never spoke about it partly because I didn't know what was wrong and I was scared to admit that I might not be okay, I always managed to put on this strong front and deep down I was just confused. I felt ashamed for feeling this feeling I didn't understand. I remember just brushing it off and ignoring it. It began to interfere with relationships with my parents and friends. I be…
Recent posts

Disassociation and space walking

Today I'm greeting you from Pluto, atleast that's how my brain is feeling.
Dissociating usually doesn't ever bother me, it's something I've gotten used to and is my kind of company if you will when things get out of hand.  Suddenly today it just hit me and I felt like I was spiralling down into some kind of box, it felt very heavy and almost claustrophobic. 
Dissassociating is my brains way (maybe some of your brains too) of stepping back, my initial way to deal with things which are too stressful or maybe just too exciting or emotional is to step back into the fog and disappear for a while, I usually don't mind it because I'm an introvert, so I'm better off because no ones around. But It always gets to a point where I'm too far into being alone and spaced out that my brain starts to panic and tries reeling itself back in at dizzying speeds and in a whirlwind ruins everything in it's path.
I always try to understand what's triggered it or w…
It's not even half way through the week and I'm already not enjoying it. 
The past two days have been a blur and mix up of extremely bubbly siblings and tiredness and then me feeling really low and introverted. I feel like when I plan things with people I'm so excited but when it comes to the day id rather actually stay in bed? Have any of you felt that? I don't particularly want anything to do with anyone, not in a rude way, I just don't think I can cope with all these things. 
I like to observe, I'm not someone to get involved, and if I do then it's serious. But I'm mostly someone who just sits back and stays at the sidelines out of everyone's way, I prefer it this way I think however much it has inhibited my ability to be confident and talk to people. 
There's always next week though huh? 😉 I

The kids aren't alrightt

Today's come with some pretty strong emotion and I think I should speak and just get it all out of my system. This calls for some loud playing of falloutboy through my headphones.
"In the end, I'll do it all again, I think you're my best friend. Don't you know that the kids aren't alright"

I'm not completely sure how I'm feeling and I'm also not sure how I should speak about it.
I'm just feeling extremely present which isn't normal (normally on the moon) and Im both angry, really low and very blimming happy.
If my low esteem and overthinking is particularly obvious which it is today, I always find it hard to cope with I feel slightly deluded and crazy, It makes me want to scream and just throw everything around,  I'm trying to make the outside world match with my brain this way so I don't feel alone...chaos huh? I'm so angry  but not angry because I'm not usually an angry person.  WHAT IS MY BRAIN??! SOMEONE?!

Today my …

La casa Sulla Luna

"The house on the moon"

Today I'm detached
I live on the moon
Far away from the glassy plain eyes
And the passing trains

Today I'm dissociated
I live on the moon
Far away from kelaidascope colours
And bright thoughts

Today I'm withdrawn
I live on the moon
Far away from magnetic wires
And buzzing overhead cables

But...
Today I'm attached
I still live on the moon
But the magnetic wires
And overhead cables, the bright thoughts
And the kelaidascope colours, the plain eyes
And passing trains
They're all here in my brain.
They keep me connected, in touch.

And sometimes I lose that.
But it's okay.
You'll find me here...


in the house

on the moon.  


By Rhiannon B
(I wrote this poem off the top of my head  and the Italian for "the house on the moon" gave me this sudden idea and spontaneous urge to write a poem)

E.Hemingway

"There's nothing to writing. You just have to sit at a typewriter and bleed" ~ Ernest Hemingway

I want to thank the person I was speaking to recently for this quote ☺️

I think writing is so important. It can be an output to so many emotions and I think writing is hard especially when your brain is completely dry. The sponge isn't full of emotion. Somehow I always dig and find something to talk about! I wonder if I will ever run out to talk about things?

Over the past couple of years I've constantly asked questions as to why I behave certain ways, I've delved into a lot of things to be able to speak so freely and to be able to understand this disorder and brain of mine and many others. It metaphorically does make you bleed, it opens up old wounds you didn't realise were there and its taken a while to get the answers.

I still have a lot more searching to do. It's been an emotional trip, really. Having therapists and multiple mentors has helped me to und…

Out there

I think one thing at least everyone at some point in their life encounters is overthinking, whether you're a casual over thinker and you're savvy and cool after providing arguments for both sides of your irrational fears or you're an avid over thinker and your brain just...splurges into a mess when trying to consider what possibly could be wrong. I know which one I am.

Overthinking not only exhausts you but it makes life a whole lot harder. I've dealt with overthinking a lot recently...exam results and friendships and my relationship with my lovely boyfriend. 
My exam results are something I cannot do anything about and so I know I cannot worry about them.
Friendships, while they're a hassle to sort, there's always one person you're good friends with and you can confide in and so those worries can often be solved by a chat or over a bowl of noodles. 
However for my boyfriend it's a lot harder, we're long distance and so it makes things all the more diff…